Not for the faint of heart (or weak of stomach)

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Walking down the street in China is almost like a treasure hunt with no map. You have no idea what you’re going to find. You have no idea what street corner to turn down. But you do know that whatever it is and wherever it is, it’s gonna be good. In my attempt to look on the bright side, see the silver lining, and not be jealous of how green the bikers’ grass is, I have begun my morning walks to work with an air of optimism, knowing that the slower speed and the longer time might provide me with a day’s worth of entertainment. I have not been disappointed.

Besides the omnipresent Chinglish signs that still give me a giggle, there’s the aluminum condom dispensers with AIDS signs on them that both amuse me and horrify me (aren’t condoms supposed to go bad in the sun, freezing cold, or generally any other weather nature throws our way?). Or the 60-year-old Chinese woman who unwittingly wore a shirt emblazoned with “If you don’t want any… [picture of Goofy], then fuck you.” She probably purchased that gem at the fruit/t-shirt stand down the block, which conveniently meets all your daily nutrient needs and fulfills all your Disney shirt desires. But these are everyday pleasures. Nothing to write home (or blog) about. However, several recent events really fleshed out the walking-while-observing storyline.

These treasures aren’t limited to my little corner of Shanghai. I went to Guangzhou with weekend with my roommate, Lindsay, to see our friend Rich. While Rich was getting an erg delivered, Lindsay and I went purse shopping. Besides the ripe coconut from which I was sucking some delicious milk, the endeavor was proving fruitless. Then Lindsay turns to me and says, “Fuck you, you fuckin’ fuck.” “Lindsay!” I gasped (only mildly insulted). “No,” She said. “Look at that hat!” Sure enough. So I bought it. I couldn’t let the shopping excursion be a bust! And to think, if Lindsay hadn’t been such a vigilant walker, I might not have such a fabulous excuse to throw a white trash party!

Speaking of Guangzhou, in case you don’t know what/where that is, let me tell you a little bit about it. It’s the hottest, sweatiest, most humid place you’ve ever been. And it rains perpetually. On one such rainy day, Rich was walking home from work, carrying an umbrella and walking down a busy intersection, when he realized that crossing the street in front of him was a man carrying an umbrella and wearing flip-flops… and nothing else. Luckily, Richard is a technologically-savvy young man and whipped out his camera phone just in time to snap this (and I shit you not, this is not photoshopped in the slightest) eighth wonder of the modern world.

Sadly, I do not have a camera phone, and I feel the authenticity of my story might be doubted, but I daresay I saw the most amazing/atrocious thing I’ve ever seen in China. And, all total, I’ve lived in this country for more than one year, so that’s saying something.

I was walking down the street, merrily on my way to work and keeping my eyes peeled for more Chinese idiosyncrasies, when I saw a man who appeared to be asleep on a giant sewer pipe that had yet to be laid in the ground. He was curled around it like a koala on a tree, but if the tree had been knocked over and the koala was horizontal. And very high on eucalyptus leaves. As I got closer, I saw that his rear end was moving up and down in a very rhythmic fashion. Only then did I begin to wonder if he was actually dry humping the sewer pipe. “No way…” I thought. “He must be trying to move it or something. But then why are his arms wrapped around it like he’s hugging it? Well, [double take at everyone else] no one else thinks its weird. But [triple take] then again, you are the only foreigner around. Maybe they’re just not staring. Maybe…” This debate in my head continued for another twenty seconds or so because I got stopped at a crosswalk not five feet from the potentially-masturbatory man. As the light turned green, my morbid curiosity took over and I turned back one more time, just to be sure. He was sitting up, looking dazed. And, well, confused. He stood up, looked down at his visibly incomplete effort and proceeded to manually finish the job on a busy street corner. I have never walked faster to work.

This entire event brought Dave Chappelle’s “Bus Hostage” stand-up a bit too close to home.

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Guangzhou, Shanghai

Tags: China, Guangzhou, Masturbation, Naked, Shanghai