There Is No Possible Way

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You know how some countries have little sayings that really epitomize the overall attitude of their country. Like Jamaica with their “No problem, mon” , French people with their “Mmeh, C’est la vie”, and Americans with their “Supersize it.” Well, China has its own phrase that really captures the spirit of its people.  Unlike the heartening “No problem” or the artery-clogging deliciousness of “Supersize it”, China just tells you “Mei banfa – There is no way.”  I’m an American, for God’s sake! There is always a way. Have you never heard of the little engine that could?

 

Remember that horrible story of the woman who was stabbed like 90 something times in NYC and no one called the cops because they thought someone else would call? In China, no one ever calls the cops. Not for domestic abuse, not for a motorcyclist getting run over, and definitely not for a murder. You might think they don’t call the police because they expect one of the other 1.3 billion people in the nation to call, but you’d be wrong. They don’t call because they just can’t be bothered. You can’t even get a grocery store employee to help you find a product in this country. They just point in its general direction and then ignore your pleas for specifics. Eventually, you narrow down the location of the object by triangulating its position through the general pointings of approximately 100 lazy employees.

 

While this rampant laziness has been a recurring problem throughout my almost two years in China, I’ve had it up to HERE this week with people telling me “There is no way – Mei Banfa”. Here’s just three examples from the past week that have made me want to go postal on some Chinese people.

 

#1 Swimming
At the university I am, there is a glorious, outdoor, Olympic-sized swimming pool and gosh darn it! I WANT TO SWIM IN IT. However, I’ve been informed that I must undergo an eye and skin test to see if I’m healthy enough to swim in the pool. Because so many people at the YMCAs throughout America catch killer cataracts and lethal freckles in the swimming pool. Fine, fair enough. Your culture is weird, but I chose to live here; ergo, I will take the test. 

 

If only it were so easy… I go to Foreign Student’s Office and they send me to the hospital for the test. I go to the hospital and they tell me that the test doesn’t start until May. But I’m only here until June, I tell the lady. “Mei banfa,” she tells me, repeating the phrase that has come to represent the entire service industry in China. So I return to the Foreign Students’ Office and explain the latest development. They then tell me, “Oh, well, the swimming pool isn’t open yet. Mei banfa!” This was a huge lie, since my friend (who got the eye and skin exam last year) had just swam in it. I tell them that just simply is not true. They then call me “mafan – trouble” and sent me back to the hospital to a different floor. There an irate nurse tells me “Mei banfa, wait until May.” I ask the irate nurse to talk to the foreign student’s office, whose office number I had brought with me. She says, “Mei banfa.” I then flip out and tell her that she can at least talk to someone for me and throw my cell phone against her ear. So I finally get them on the phone and the foreign student’s office then tells me to come back tomorrow to talk to them about getting my skin and eyes approved for a little dip. I’ll keep you posted, but odds are I’m either gonna slather germs all over me and do an unauthorized cannonball into the pool or pitch hissy fits on every single floor of every single building of campus until they realize they can “mei banfa” my ass.

 

#2 PDF Copies
I needed to print five pages, sign two of them and then scan these five pages into a single PDF. Not exactly rocket science. After I explain this to the woman, she agrees. Then once she’s done, she gives me five PDF files, each with a single page. I tell her that she just told me she could do it and yet, she still gave me five discrete files. Her response? “Mei banfa.” I miss Kinkos. 

 

#3 China Merchants Bank
Now for the mother of all “Mei banfas”. Granted this one starts with a large error on my part… But still! I lost my ATM card. I went to a China Merchants Bank (which can burn in the fiery pits of hell) in Xiamen and here’s how the conversation with the bank teller went.

Me: Hi, I lost my ATM card and need to get a new one.
Bank Teller: This is a Shanghai account. Mei banfa.
Me: But this is the same bank.
Bank Teller: Mei banfa (motions for next customer to come up).
Me: Wait a second, what the hell am I supposed to do?
Bank Teller: Go to the actual branch that issued your card.
Me: In Shanghai?
Bank Teller: Yes.
Me: So, I have to go back to Shanghai in order to tell them that I lost my ATM card. You can’t use the computer to do that here?
Bank Teller: Mei banfa.
Me: Ok, well, then let me just cancel my account and you can just give me my money in cash.
Bank Teller: Mei banfa. You have to have your card with you to cancel your account.
Me: So, let me get this straight, you won’t give me any of my money unless I have my ATM card and I can’t get a new card unless I’m in Shanghai?
Bank Teller (exasperated, as if this is a completely sane way for the third biggest bank in the country to operate): Yes, mei banfa (motions for next customer).
Me: Waiiiiit a second, how the hell am I supposed to buy a fucking plane ticket to get to Shanghai to get my card to get my money (and then cancel my account because I HATE YOU!) if I can’t have the money that’s in my account right now? Now that, my friend, is what you actually call MEI BANFA.”  [Commence Oscar-worthy breakdown]

 

Finally, they put me on the phone with a person from my home branch in Shanghai. For a transcript of that conversation, just reread above. And watch as my head explodes. 

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